May Bonus Episode: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

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[01:43] It's bonus. It's on top of the other two this week. It's on top of everything. Yach, you guys. Oh, my God. [01:51] Breaking Dawn Part 1 is the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. The book is also wildly rough. Oh my god, I... Wildly rough. I remember reading this book, I was probably like... [02:04] 13 maybe when this one came out, maybe 12, and I was like, this is the sexiest thing I've ever read in my life. And now I'm like, ugh! [02:15] What the fuck? [02:18] It's... [02:19] It's a trip. It's, it's a trip. Yeah, being almost 30 years old and looking back, I'm like, why the, who let me read this? That's the, and I got, I got my post-its back out in the book. I love watching Elena prepare for these episodes because that bitch whips out a pack of post-its and she just goes to town. Yeah, because you gotta, we gotta do book and movie and illustrated guide. Yeah. And website. Yeah. [02:44] the web got some off the website i got a lot from the website [02:48] I was surfing through that website and there's just so many things I have to say. Stephanie Meyer is a trip. You are a trip. You just really are. I just need to say this because it's. [02:59] checking me off at one point she writes like somebody else is writing for stephanie in in on the on the on the um website like her fan site or whatever you want to call it and then she writes like she's writing it but it's within the same couple of paragraphs it's confusing so i said who the fuck is writing this if not you steph yeah yeah it's a big it's a it's wild yeah it's a wild ride all the way through i feel like i now i can't remember breaking down part two at least

[03:29] the movie because i when we were watching this i was like oh wow i don't remember like any of this i yeah specifically didn't remember that edward delivers the baby via his teeth yeah [03:38] Which is hard to forget. It's wild. I think that was actually a trauma response. Yeah, for sure. I think that was in a box somewhere in the deep back part of my brain. Yeah, your brain really protected you there. But now I'm like, oh, God, what's going to happen when we do part two? Part two just has a lot of funny lines in it and line deliveries. Okay. [03:56] And then there's, like, a pretty cool fight scene, I'm pretty sure, if I remember correctly. There is a cool fight scene, and I remember... I don't know why we're getting, like, into part two right now, but I do remember that Bella has that, like, force field thing she can do. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I actually completely forgot about that. That was... I remembered that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, but this part right now. Well, before we get into that... [04:18] We wanted to announce our next Morbid Book Club. Period. Pick. It's going to be Victorian Psycho by Virginia Fado. I'm very excited. We're very excited about it. We have a special guest joining us. We have a special guest joining for it. It's going to be fun. It's going to be great. It's an author. An author, you say? It's a horror book. [04:40] author. And we're very excited about them coming. And we're excited to talk to you about it. It's a pretty, it's a, it's a book that's on the shorter side. So it should be pretty. [04:51] Pretty easy to get through. Yeah, I think even if you're like an audio listener, I think the audiobook's like four hours. Yeah, for sure. So check it out. And it's supposed to be great. I'm excited to read it. Yeah. That'll be, what, the end of June that comes out? Yeah.

[05:05] Mikey! [05:06] Does that come out at the end of June? [05:08] oh yeah that'll be the end of june that'll be the end it's kind of funny so you know what i should just start yelling at my job you remember that the gang gang twins yes you absolutely should um so yeah that's the business that we have um also since we're talking about books if you want to pre-order a book you should pre-order the uh but your legacy cat and mouse because it's there yeah [05:34] and you should order it yeah i really good the prologue of it the other day after not reading it for a while and i said that's not that bad wow i don't even think i suck at this and i was like i'd actually venture that you're pretty good at this so i'm telling you i said that's true and he goes does she realize she's been on the new york bestsellers list twice and he was like in like at the very beginning of her career it's it's the thing that will never he was like that's of pretty high esteem i'll constantly be like [06:02] oh yeah i'm getting better at this you are you know you are uh always improving and i think you you have a natural talent to thank you i appreciate that so yeah go get go get that if you want to you can get it anywhere so and my uk babes some specials coming for you too so stay tuned is that the thing you showed me the other day yesterday nice yeah that's only for uk yeah that's so cool i know i'm gonna get one too though hell yeah oh can i have one yeah cool

[06:32] I didn't even mean to make that so spoily or like exciting, but that's a cool thing. See? Okay. So yeah. So that's all the business. And now it's time for Breaking Dawn Part 1 because... It's time. This one... [06:45] is wild y'all i forgot how true i think we saw this together in the movie theater we did i think we might have been with my mother maybe [06:56] I mean, you mean Renee? Yes. No, watching this movie, I said, that would have been my mother if she was invited to my wedding. She went, good night. That would absolutely be. We will be getting into that. With the disheveled hair and all. She looked great. [07:13] wild she was good she said everybody at this wedding getting tipsy she did she did i like charlie's speech the best i love charlie to an unhealthy degree i love when he walks in he goes yeah i know i look hot and i was like you do i said you really do charlie you're looking good bud you really do all right let's start where are we starting so we gotta start with one thing that makes me fucking so annoyed oh god so and it's the overarching theme of this whole thing okay [07:43] So obviously in a lot of these things, we find that Stephanie Meyer goes against her own lore that she created. Because the illustrated guide will say something, the book will say something, the movie will say another. And then they all collide into just like a fucking crazy thing. Now, in the illustrated guide, she says, Stephanie Meyer says that she understands that people won't accept or get the whole vampires and humans having babies. Like that would be like, wait, what? Well, yeah. Because you've never brought it up before. Yeah.

[08:13] children have been brought up. [08:15] But that's like a different thing. That's like when they were creating vampires as a baby and out of like kids. Yeah. Which is so fucked. [08:22] What kills me is she says, but to her, her, and I quote, scientific reasoning. [08:29] is enough for her. Huh. [08:32] Was she doing experiments? [08:34] scientific reasoning? Should you do the scientific method on this? Nothing about this. And here's again where it doesn't make... So you say, whoa, okay, so you're science. [08:45] We're science here. Uh-huh. That's... Now, science... [08:48] in case everybody's wondering, is based in reality. Yes. Right? We're firmly in reality right now because by her own words... [08:56] Here we are. Two feet in reality. Okay. So she says... [09:01] She went against her own previously set up lore, obviously, because, like, you know, that happens. And instead of saying, like, you know, because I would respect this if she said, I wanted this plot point. You know, I felt like it was going to be a good direction. It felt important to me. It goes against the lore. But, like, I just went there because it was really important to go here. She's, like, making it canon. Yeah, I can at least respect that, that you're saying, you know what, I'm going against my own lore, but it's important. And I think it's going to be worth it. Yeah. But instead... [09:30] She says first that her scientific reasoning is enough for her for this to work. And then she says... [09:36] Guys, it's fantasy. Vampires are real. Oh, boy. She really said fuck y'all. So you just told me...

[09:47] With ten toes down in the realm of reality that it's based on scientific reasoning. [09:54] And then in the next breath, you say to me, you believe in vampires? That's so cute. You idiot. That's so cute. You fucking freak. Like, it's just like, what? And she's like, no, I can make it up as I go along because it's fantasy. And it's like, no, I know that you make the world and that, like, you can make it whatever you want. But then you have to follow your own rules. But the problem is you made lore. And not only did you make lore, you made an illustrated guide that you didn't need to make. I think she might forget that she made that. [10:24] that no one made you do. Because there's also another big thing that happens with Jacob. There's a few... Yeah, there's some glaring issues. That one is glaring to me. Yeah, like, and it's such an easy out to say. It's fantasy. Yeah. Vampires aren't real. It's like, but you made this. And it's like, but also... [10:42] But you're taking it so seriously. And it's like, and it's okay if you take it seriously, because it's your world you created. But in the same breath, you're telling me that's fucking weird that you believe this. [10:53] But believe this, please, and care about it. It's like, no, you can't have it both ways. No. Also, I do feel like it's kind of misogynistic that vampire guys... It's like how, like, men can fuck until they're 70 and, like, be a dad. I have a lot to say about that. It's not nice that she was like, vampire guys can impregnate human women. But vampire women? Empty. Stuck. I'm gonna get so into that. I like that. What bothers me about just, like, to go back to this one thing is...

[11:20] Like, I love fantasy. Yeah. Fantasy is fun. Yeah. I will fully envelop myself in a fantastical world, and I will believe it for the moment that I'm reading it. And it's like, but you, and she, as somebody who's writing fantasy, like, if I was writing a fantasy, I love fantasy so much that I wish I could write a fantasy novel. I'm sure you could. It just seems like a lot of work, because you have to have a lot of work. Not that I'm, like, averse to work. But I'm just saying, like, creating a whole lore and, like, [11:49] magical system [11:50] is like daunting, I imagine. I'm very impressed by that. Obviously tough, because as it builds and builds and builds, you have to remember all of the rules. Exactly. It feels hard. Like, maybe I'll try it someday, because it does seem fun. And now that I said that I don't think I could do it, now I feel like I have to do it. She has to prove it to herself. You know why? Because she's a Virgo rising. That's not even Capricorn coded, that's Virgo coded. Yeah, there you go. But if you are writing something like that, I imagine that you take it very seriously, and you take the [12:19] the world seriously and to you, [12:22] It's in that moment very real, and you want readers to feel like it's very real while they read it. So then to... [12:29] to kind of cop out of fucking up against your own lore with... [12:33] you think this is real, guys? Yeah, it's insulting. Vampires are real. Like, you silly gooses. Like, what are you doing? I'm like, no, you can't do that. You can't make readers feel stupid for being enveloped in this world when you've given me every reason to be enveloped in this world. Like, that's not cool. No. No.

[12:50] Like, you can't just be like, it's fucking fake. No, we know that. Like, you don't bring me back to reality. That's not what we're looking for. You're supposed to keep me rooted in this world. And again, if you just said, yeah, you know what? The story just had to go this way. I felt very passionately about it going this way. I'd be like, okay, girl. [13:06] Like, I can respect that. Yeah. But to use the, you guys are silly for believing this and caring so much is like... [13:15] okay like you don't blame your readers stephanie yeah don't blame your readers for giving a shit about your story and remembering your lore yeah huh like fuck she also said that this was inspired by the merchant of venice and a midsummer night stream and which are both in the movie by the way i just want to state that yeah that's all i'm gonna i'm just gonna leave that there like damn what yeah i don't know i don't know i don't really know i'm not sure about that i'm not really sure [13:45] And [13:46] Also, why? Because we're like four movies in at this point. Why do the Cullen's wigs change so much? The wigs. Where's the wig police when you need them? Tom Link. Where's Tom Link with the wig police? Tom Link would say, what the fuck is going on here? He would, because also what bothers me is I'm like, so many questions here. One, [14:06] Why is their hair changing when it's very much drilled in our heads that they are frozen? Yep. [14:13] frozen rosalie's hair in particular goes through such a character arc yeah it really does like her hair has a character um so does carlisle's carlisle's hair what happened because he he looks so beautiful in like the first two and then i don't really feel like carlisle in the first couple

[14:33] is... [14:34] just sculpted out of stone i mean he's beautiful gorge and i'm not saying he's ugly in the later ones but no no no his hair here's the thing his hair looks ugly it does and i'm willing to say that because it's not his hair it's not good it's like like what did you say it's like straw yellow raw yellow and it's like parted over to the side but not like coiffed at all it's just like mushroom hanging in his face it's giving mushroom it just doesn't make any sense and then jasper's hair [15:04] I saw a couple TikToks of him hosting, like, Twilight discussion things, and he's really funny. Yeah. Like, the actor who plays Jasper. He's played by Jackson Rothbone. Yeah, so you know. I was like, wait, I figured it out. No, that's just the character. That was hilarious. I was very impressed. I should have just gone with it. But yeah, one of the... [15:24] Like, going back to what you were saying, like, one of the things, because I'm like, they're all supposed to be frozen, because also, where... [15:32] are the wigs from season from movie to movie okay that's what i was asking like that's like even mikey has a wig drawer yeah that's a production company and mikey has the same wigs in that drawer 24 7 rosalie's wig [15:46] Who has it from the first movie? Where'd it go? I don't know. Where is it? [15:51] Mikey is opening his wig drawer. Yeah, and putting on... That wig looked so scary. That's the Sherry Moon zombie wig. [15:58] from when i was sure moon it's when i was sure moon oh my god there you go honestly that looks like one of the collins wings that is rosalie's wig and but i really want to know if you're out there and you have those weight where are where did you where are they where are they because they change every every movie oh that's true like there's no chain of custody for these wings there's no there's there's no chain of custody for anything because also where are they alice's

[16:28] not super long but it's like longer yeah it's like a fuck-ass bob and then it gets cut and then it's like long again and then it's got it's a pixie and i'm like [16:35] But their hair's not supposed to grow. That's the thing, and I'm like, when you cut it into a pixie, you're committing to that. Because that's your hair. I love Alice's hair at the wedding. The way she, like, sculpts it onto her face. It's very, like, 20s. Yeah, I really did love that. But Alice in this movie pisses me off. And she's a creep. She's a creep. Alice does kind of piss me off. Alice is a creep. Because she... [16:57] everything is her way or the highway wedding she plans the whole thing which i realize like the whole thing is supposed to be like well bella doesn't want to and she doesn't like this stuff and i'm like but why is she getting married and having a huge wedding honestly i don't even think she's ever given a chance to no it's true she doesn't even get a chance to say because [17:14] As I've said many times before, she is baby girl. She is baby girl. She is so baby girl. So baby girl. I got a bone to pick with Bella. She's a selfish motherfucker. She is a selfish motherfucker. Honestly, the poor Cullen family. Yeah. The poor Cullen family. Truly. Their lives have been in danger the entire time she's been around. Yeah. All of them had to up and move because Edward was like, can't do it. Yeah. Sorry. And then they were like, nah, come back. We're in love. Yeah. Oh, she's going to have this baby and maybe die. Yeah. [17:44] And also not only is she going to have this baby and maybe die, it's also going to void the treaty we've had for a zillion years with the werewolves. Now they're going to try to kill us. And piss off the Volturi. It's going to piss off the Volturi. And now we're going to have to deal with all those. Oh, and also all the other covens are going to have to get involved and all their lives are going to have to be upended by this. And they're going to have to fight the Volturi too. And she doesn't care. And this is all because Bella...

[18:11] just had to fuck as a human say it she just had to fuck as a human i have to have that one human experience it's going to cause a lot of problems also can i just say something do it after you're both going to be ungodly beautiful after that thing brother why not and also i bet vampires i just watched tara and franklin fuck on true blood exactly i mean she's not a vampire yet but that looked incredible of course i think if you were a vampire as well oh my god yeah like oh my god [18:41] I know you wanted that human experience, but babe... [18:44] You kind of gave that up when you decided to marry a vampire. And also Edward didn't really want it. She like guilted him into human talking. That's weird. And if you just waited until after you were a vampire, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant with a half vampire baby. Who tried to kill you. Who tried to kill you. And it wouldn't have avoided all the treaties and pissed off all the Volturi's. So it's like. Crazy girl. [19:06] I feel like this was a problem for everyone. It's very selfish. This is Bella's world and we're all just living in it. May I venture to say this? [19:15] I think Stephanie Meyer hates Bella. [19:17] I think Stephanie Meyer hates Bella. See, I think Stephanie Meyer thinks Bella is... [19:24] Like... [19:25] Right. [19:27] But I think she hates her. [19:28] do why i just think she hates her because she puts her in all these crazy ass situations and also i think stephanie meyer really loves edward so like edward's always getting upset with bella that's like

[19:42] it like can't stay away from her all at the same time but i think she kind of sees a little bit of herself in bella maybe well yeah no i think she does because she's kind of like said that before so i think these crazy situations that we're like what the fuck are you doing she's like no that's great [19:55] oh like i hate it and that like maybe i just hate ella yeah i think maybe maybe maybe i feel like maybe that's what's going on maybe i'm just a hater maybe that's it and to go back really quick just to what you were saying earlier with the how completely sexist and misogynistic this whole thing is when you really dive into this she there's some serious internalized misogyny 100 that just never should have been spat onto the page in my opinion and her [20:25] words her website and breaking put down part one she says that vampire men can have babies uh-huh they can because they have they got them they have a fluid similar to seminal fluid oh yeah their shit works pretty much the same way [20:40] which is wild really fucked up and if the venom slash sperm comes in contact with an ovum they can conceive but that and you say oh wow okay so vampires can conceive oh no no no [20:51] Because, yes, the male vampire shit works right the same, but women... [20:57] They can't. [20:57] Because when they turn into vampires, they are frozen. That's so fucked up. And their system stops working like a woman's body should work, is literally what is said. That's like essentially what's being said here. Women's bodies, in her words in the book, quote...

[21:14] Don't have like vampire women, quote, don't have what is needed to accommodate a growing child. [21:22] So you're telling me [21:24] Men are still pew, pew, pew, can shoot sperm everywhere, every which way. Sperm-like. It's not even sperm. It's sperm-like, and it still creates life. But it still works. It still creates life. That pisses me off even more. It's not even sperm. It's venomous sperm, and it still creates life. Yeah, fake. But we, when we get turned into vampires, everything just freezes in place. And we become frigid, barren, just we can't accept a baby. And it's like, what the fuck is that? [21:54] Yep. [21:55] That's fucked. It is fucked. That is so fucked. And I also have a problem with... [22:03] Like, just coming off of that with, because obviously Rosalie is a great example of this when she explains that all she ever wanted was a baby and all she ever, and that's why she's also pissed at Bella for wanting to become a vampire, because she's like, hey, bitch, you're not going to be able to do that. And that's also why she's pissed that Bella did become a vampire, because she was really hoping she would die and that she could keep that baby. Exactly. [22:30] So [22:31] you [22:33] Getting paid twice a month doesn't mean money is scarce. It just feels that way. That feeling makes you do weird stuff, like putting things on a card you didn't need to. Earn-in removes that feeling. With earn-in, you can access up to $150 per day of money you've already earned, plus up to $1,000 between paychecks. Standard transfers take one to two business days with no mandatory fees, and expedited transfers start at $399 and cap at $599.

[23:02] sooner. Download Earning on the App Store or Google Play, spelled like earning money without the G. Type in Morbid under podcast when you sign up. It'll really help the show. [23:12] Earning is a financial technology company, not a bank. Access limits are based on your earnings and risk factors. Standard cash outs take one to two business days with no mandatory fees. Expedited transfer is available for a fee. Tips are voluntary and don't affect the service. Available in select states. Terms and restrictions apply. Visit Earning.com for full details. [23:30] Shop the Sherwin-Williams sale and get 30% off select paints and stains June 12th through the 22nd. Whether you're looking to refresh your interior or exterior, they've got the colors to bring your vision to life. And with delivery, getting everything to your door is easier than ever. Shop online or visit your neighborhood Sherwin-Williams store. Retail sales only. Some exclusions apply. See store for details. Delivery available on qualifying orders. [23:54] Every good detective needs a partner to support them on important cases. Think of a State Farm agent like your sidekick. They're to help you along the way in your search for coverage. State Farm can help you choose the coverage you need, whether it's for your home, car, boat, or even RV. With so many options, it's nice knowing you have help finding what fits for you, so you can get back to solving all of life's bigger cases. [24:23] Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

[24:31] She made Rosalie the stereotype of an infertile woman, and this is coming from somebody who [24:38] who went through infertility, so I can speak on it. As a previously infertile woman, I fucking hate when they are portrayed as frigid, mean, like type A, over-controlling. Jennifer Garner and Juno. Like her husband's such a cool guy. I'm like, oh my god, he's so cool. He's a fucking predator, by the way. How does he put up with her? But what a cool guy. And then she's portrayed as this very frigid, uptight, like... [25:06] Well, I can't have a baby. And it's like, no, no. [25:10] no why are we portraying that like why are we and it goes right into this she's fucking mean for no reason to bella she's nasty she's like a frigid bitch yeah and she just comes off as being like well i can't have a baby so i'm mad at everybody and it's like that's literally not reality no [25:27] And then it goes further with this movie and this book, because now all of a sudden... [25:34] She has a change of heart to Bella because now Bella has become a fucking vessel to her. She doesn't give a shit about Bella. She doesn't. She cares. All she cares about is cool. That baby's going to kill you and claw its way out of you. And then I get to have my baby. Yep. That's also not reality of like an infertile, like somebody going through infertility is like, oh, I'll just look at everybody else like a vessel and I can just watch them die and steal their baby. Like that's what a weird way to portray her. It's crazy.

[26:04] character because she also has a cool like she has a backstory that's really like traumatic and crazy and like she's she gets a badass she gets like stifled down to just to just that uh she gets like shoved into this box is just being like baby obsessed lady who can't have a baby of her own and it's like that's it that's icky because you've made her like she's a strong character and it's like and she really dumbed her down she's such a badass her backstory like you were just [26:34] I think we said it when we went over Eclipse. They didn't even go that far enough into it. No, I wish they had. Yeah. Yeah. [26:40] But-- [26:41] Going back to the beginning of the movie, because we'll try to hit some of the stuff in the beginning... [26:45] One of the things that I noticed in the movie... [26:49] is in Bella's room when she's like packing up her shit. Why is there just a painting of a dog next to her bed? I wondered that too. And it's not like a wolf dog. I wondered that too. It's like a floofy dog. Yeah, it's like a bichon. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Just like a sheep dog. I don't think it was there before either. I don't know if it was there. Maybe it was and I just didn't notice it until the room was empty. But I'm like... [27:08] Why? Maybe she has, like, a desire to become one of those ladies that, like, shows those dogs. I'm like, you didn't give me any, like, you never mentioned that she had a dog. Yeah. I don't think she did. But there's just this very distracting... [27:19] big painting of a fluffy dog. See, I was too upset about the fact that she literally gets into bed wearing jeans and a belt. Oh, I literally have that in all caps right here. Why does she get into bed with jeans on? And also... [27:33] Edward is going to break her house. And at least she acknowledges that. But it's always like, yeah, no, nobody knows that Edward is here. I'm like, Charlie's a cop. Yeah. Charlie is the sheriff. He knows that Edward has attached himself to the house. Yeah. Like, when he jumps on, it's like, like, every time. And then Emmett and Jasper are like, like, going on the roof knows that you have people over. Like, Charlie's a smart guy. Yeah. Charlie's

[28:03] come up but yeah you're right he knows every single time come on what are you doing going to sleep in jeans you freak oh god at least take your belt off just what are you doing what are you doing and then renee the mom getting the wedding invitation oh my god like charlie reacted appropriately of having like a somber moment to himself being like fuck i really fucked up here yeah renee is literally like she's standing in her green screen beach that green screen beach was [28:33] girl it's happening oh my god happy that her 18 year old daughter fresh out of high school after dating this guy for oh 4.5 seconds i don't need how long have they been together they haven't been together that long because she transfers [28:50] I think they're like... I mean... [28:52] They go to prom, so I think she had to have been like a junior when they first got together. So two years. I don't even know if it's two. I'm looking it up because I don't even know if it's two years. I don't know. [29:03] Well, it can't be because she transferred in the middle of the school year. Yeah. 14 months. [29:10] Jesus. They met in mid-January of 2005 and officially started dating in March of 2005. He left her in September. They were separated for seven months and then they reunited in March 2006 and got married on August 13th, 2006. Oh, so it's not even. It's like seven months that they've actually been together. Some people count the break, some people don't. If it's 14 months... [29:32] Yeah. And you weren't together for seven of those? That's half of that time. That is half of that time. We are going to count that one as a break. Seven months? I didn't realize it was that long. So technically, they have only physically been together for seven months.

[29:49] Let that sink in. Everybody let that. And then I want you to picture Renee on her green screen beach. Saying it's happening. My girl. And it's like, you're a bad mom. You're a bad mom, Renee. I mean. Renee, you hear me? You're a bad mom. Based on the illustrated guide alone, she's a terrible mother. She's terrible. She let Bella take over the bills when Bella was like 12. Like she's doing the books. No, she, I think it literally says Bella started doing the books because Renee couldn't. Yeah. [30:19] like hello that's gnarly it's so funny because she's so parentified that's why she's so baby girl because in the book she was so she was a parentified child and then she met edward and she said fuck that she said he's a thousand i have to be the kid let's go i don't know how to do this yeah like damn yeah then we go to the wedding which oh my god i love her dress i will say the back of her dress is stunning one thing i do have to say though in the beginning she's [30:49] her dress covers them she could have worn fuzzy slippers if she wanted to you can't see the heels yeah [30:56] But also, as she walks down the aisle, I said, babe, people are taking pictures of you if we're considering this a real wedding. She looks like a deer in headlights. So horrified to be marrying this man. And I love it because when they go out, like, she's like, just don't let me fall. And I love when Charlie says, like, never or whatever he says. It's really sweet. I just love Charlie. Cute kid and dad moment. This is just going to be me loving Charlie. It's the only good thing about this.

[31:26] broadly and be like i've already let you fall already did you know what i already did babe so here we are he got involved in our life too late i think he sure did like like more involved too late and there's a part where like when she's trying on the shoes too with alice oh yeah when she walks away in the movie she does this one little skip [31:45] and then like hops up and dev dev was the one who noticed it and i had never noticed it before and i was like why did she do that why did she do that just like just to skip and then she's just off i don't know it's very strange and then we do get like um when she's packing up her shit we get edward doing a flashback to like why he's still trying to convince her not to become a vampire because edward still wants her to die of old age so he can go get it with someone else apparently [32:15] wanting to change the person he's in love with. It's a really annoying trope too, because it happens in like every vampire movie or TV show. And it's like, it's very unromantic to me. It is. If you really loved me, you would not want to live without me. [32:29] And you wouldn't want me to die someday. And if you think I'm so beautiful, why not freeze me in this gorgeous state? Yeah. Hello? You just shouldn't ever want to be without me. No. So why... [32:38] You're just going to wait me out? Also, how about my own autonomy? I'd like you to change me. Do it. So I think it's dumb. But he's in there being like, let me tell you about when I turned into it. I'd be like, I literally don't care. He also tells her his whole backstory. Like he's a monster. [32:53] I said, first of all, you were hella hot back then. Makes him even better. First of all, sick haircut. I love it. Edward in the 20s slash 30s. Woo!

[33:00] A plus. A plus. A plus. Honestly, men's looks in the 20s. Yeah. A plus. Personality's probably not great. Yeah. Uh, [33:09] But he tells her all about his backstory and how, like, he basically murdered monsters. Like, he was going very Dexter. Exactly. And he says that, like, is that who you want to be with? I'd be like, yeah. Yes. Yeah, I do. Like, that would make me want to marry him more. Yeah. She also says, he's like, what does he say? He says, like, what do you want to see when you look in the mirror, Bella? And she's like, you. You. [33:32] I said, what? I said, this romance is more fucked up than I thought. That's weird. You're not becoming one. She actually said, I want to wear your skin in a weird way. I'd like to wear your face. But yeah, that was weird. But I liked the flashback because he looked really good in that flashback. He saves the lady. He does. A lady in a great outfit. It's true because it was like the 20s, 30s. Yep. And at the reception, we meet like those blonde vampires from Alaska, I think it is. [34:02] set Edward up with Arena, right? Well, and Arena apparently was with Laurent. Yeah. And then obviously... [34:11] The wolves ripped him apart because he was going to kill Bella. Yeah. [34:15] You know, it happens. But she doesn't believe that. And at first, here's the thing. At first, when I saw this scene, I was like... [34:22] I'd be pissed. I'd be like, get the fuck out of my wedding. Cause she's like, I don't believe that. Like, and she has, [34:27] the way this this actress plays it yeah i know there's not a lot to work with here but like you got to do what you got to do it's like very dramatic but like the face she's making makes me laugh every time because she's so intense it's like when kim k cries yeah it's pretty gnarly and she's like and you know they're like

[34:44] you know laurent was gonna kill bella like there was really nothing she's like i don't believe that i'd be like and then get the fuck out of my wedding like why are you gonna support me [34:53] But then... [34:55] I'm like, well, Breaking Dawn Part 2 is actually going to bring, like... [34:59] a pretty big headache. [35:00] to all of these covens because Bella just had to fuck as a human. So now I'm kind of like, oh, kind of on Irina's side here. Because she's even like, [35:12] She's bringing a lot of problems. Well, that's a thing. All the vampires are looking around like... [35:16] You're really gonna, like, throw it all away for this bitch? And it's also, like, just turn her... [35:21] Yeah, just fucking go. Turner, baby. Ask the Volturi. The Volturi wants you to do it. She's got the fucking shield. [35:28] Like do it. [35:29] Yeah. What the fuck? This could all be fixed. It could be. [35:32] But then Jessica's speech. Jessica's speech. I'm still thinking about it. I will cringe until the end of the earth. Or the hair, as I call him. Or the hair, as everybody calls him. I was like... [35:45] She said as I call him. Just Jessica. That's her pet name for Bella's husband. And when they flashed Edward, his wedding hair is shit. It's awful. Complete shit. I'd actually be so angry at John if during our wedding he had the worst hair of his life. It's very floppy. Well, and he did nothing with it. No, no gel. Like, it's just nothing. No slick. No nothing. There's nothing happening. No. He might not have even washed it. I don't think he did. That might have been on Robert Pattinson, though, because he did admit that he went six months without washing his hair once. Which is... [36:12] He also has admitted in interviews that he had a strange body odor that smelled similar to crayon wax, which I don't know if I know what that smells like. But then, wasn't it like wet crayons? I think I might have been wrong about that. Oh, okay. Just crayon wax. They were dry. But then Kristen Stewart said, I think he's overplaying that. Like, no, he smells fine. He smells really animalistic. He's got like an animalistic musk. And I said, my dog pretty much never smells good.

[36:42] So, I'm not sure. I don't know. If that's, like, a defense or not. I don't know if I've ever thought of John having an animalistic musk to him. But it is rumored that people on set, like, the crew was like, why are you so stanky, Rob? Why are you so stanky? I love that he's just like, I don't know. Maybe it was, because him and Kristen were in that, like... [37:03] Like, early 2000s indie grunge era. Oh, yeah, it was, like, a little grungy. Yeah. So maybe... [37:10] he really hadn't done it maybe that was it because it didn't seem like it and just her being like and like could have been me didn't notice me i was like who does that at a wedding like that's not i know once again as stephanie meyer would say it's fantasy you believe that i'm like but this is supposed to be the real part of it i know they actually did get married like i'm like you nobody would do that no [37:30] Like, no, you can make her have a weird speech without being... That was just so off the rails. Well, people get weird speeches all the time, but to be like... No one would say that. She wasn't even president of the Glee Club or the school council. Yeah, like me. Like, basically, like, you could have had me. Yeah. Like, no one's doing that. I don't know. I was like, damn. And then Renee's. Renee singing. Renee singing. [37:49] with her bat shit crazy hair go to sleep and you wake up and bella loves it she's like that's my mom she's just sitting there like that's my mom and i'm like damn that's you know why she likes it because she only sees renee a few times a year yeah she's like wow there's another story to tuck in my back pocket so see you in six years mom glad i don't have to do your books anymore you crazy bitch crazy bitch go back to your fucking green screen beach wherever that is where's phil

[38:19] That was gnarly. Oh, my God. And then... [38:21] uh what's the name edward is like i have another gift for you it's here yeah and you're like oh my god yay like gift edward gives bella jacob as a wedding gift and that just feels weird to me that just feels weird to me he even lets him have a moment alone oh a very inappropriate moment alone as far as i'm concerned there are canoodling they're in the moss as you said much canoodling i said why are you dancing with another man in the moss at your wedding [38:51] stand by that question. She, like, leaves the wedding. Yeah. [38:55] She stands in the moss. [38:57] In the forest. As he, like, lifts her and twirls her. Oh, yeah, and she, like, has her head on his shoulder. They're canoodling. They are canoodling in the woods on her very wedding day. It's, like... [39:08] The way the fact that Edward's just like and he's so happy, he's like. [39:12] I gave you this man. [39:13] I know you love this werewolf so much. He's kind of a cuck. He is a little bit. Do you want a chair to sit down in? [39:22] Would you like to sit amongst the mocks? Can I get you anything? An ottoman for the fellow? [39:29] Would you like to put your feet up? What the fuck is going on here? The wedding party's like, hello? They're like, what's going on? This wedding's getting weird. We're gonna leave. Like, in the last few movies and books, Jacob has been so disrespectful of their relationship. Bella has been so disrespectful of their relationship. He has outwardly admitted

[39:52] Edward, if he could, just to snake his gal. Yep. He says, and he's like, you're not good enough for her. I'm obsessed with her. I want to fuck her. I want to marry her. We're supposed to be together. Like he said this several times. I'm hotter than you, he said. And now you're just presenting him as a gift at your wedding? It's really weird. On what planet, Stephanie? Cuck planet. Like on what and in the book, Jacob is so fucking unlikable in this book. Did he just say in the book that he [40:22] or like doesn't propose it it's implied okay i think edward is the one that kind of [40:27] Oh my god. Did we just unlock a theme in this book? I'm not positive. I need to look it up now. Which one? Oh, yeah, it was at the end of Eclipse. He tells her he's willing to accept... [40:38] Whatever relationship she feels she needs to have with Jacob. [40:42] Oh, so he's kind of being like, we can be open for Jacob. [40:46] Like... [40:47] that [40:47] If you feel like you want to be with him as well, as like I will... [40:52] Understand. [40:54] Which is essentially him suggesting, or not suggesting, but being open to the idea of, like... [40:59] whatever you want yeah like an arrangement yeah okay those happen which i don't think he wants that which is even sadder he's just like i just love you so much that i'll accept it i'll give you what you want essentially and it's like bella [41:11] Gosh. Wow. But yeah, it's an in the book. [41:15] Jacob, especially Breaking Dawn, he's so unlikable. His chapters are... [41:20] borderline unreadable for me. They're also insanely named. They are, and I have a couple of them. But...

[41:26] In the book, in this part, is when, like, they start talking about the honeymoon. And he's, like, you know, like, basically saying you can't have a real honeymoon because you can't fuck. And she's, like, well, it's going to be real as anyone else is. Basically, I'm, like, we will be boning. And she's, like, so... Weird combo to have with your guy friend. In the book... [41:42] He gets so he gets mad in the movie. He gets so mad in the book that he grabs her. [41:48] like grabs her shoulders hard enough that she's in pain. Oh my God. And she literally is like, Oh, that hurts in the book. Like yelling. It hurts. Um, [41:59] And Edward has to come over and like literally be like, I'm going to fucking kill you if you don't let her go. And like Seth has to be like, let her go. You're hurting her. It's her wedding. Like he literally is abusing her because he's mad that she's going to fuck Edward. Her husband. On her honeymoon. Okay. Okay. [42:16] Make that make sense. [42:17] Like... [42:19] I need to know. [42:22] What happened here? Like where no one along the line said, this is weird. [42:29] I guess not. Or did they? And you just said, don't worry about it. You have to think that by this point, like when Breaking Dawn was out, it was well established that this is YA. Like, yeah. [42:40] that's really fucked up yeah it's a nasty relation like for him to grab her like that because he's mad she's going to have sex with her husband and i realize that's not it like that's not the end of it it's like that he's mad because he's like you're gonna die yeah like he'll kill but a part of his anger a part of it but that does not justify hurting her no and a part of it is he's mad that yeah he's jealous she's gonna have sex he's jealous and he's upset that that could happen to her but it's like that does not justify grabbing her like that no nothing does like what

[43:10] It's wild. [43:12] Edward's not telling Bella where they're going on their honeymoon. Thank you. And like her family is aware of this. Like fucking Renee is like, oh, my God, where do you think you're going? So fun that he's taking you somewhere where he's told no one. Where the fuck are you going? Yeah. My family would say, hey, you're not going. Yeah. Until we have your itinerary, you're not going. That's an episode of Dateline. [43:33] I'm like, that's an episode of Dateline. Like, I could never. No. I could never. No. My family would say, I think not. Yeah. Like, we just don't know where you're going. That's insane. Oh, I thought that was thunder. I was like, what? Sorry, I got so excited. The trash bins were rolling. And I said, is it thunder? Talking about Twilight and in the thunderstorm would be just chef's kiss. But it was just trash. But it was just, I mean, it was just garbage. Well, that's also fitting. Also, this whole thing. [44:02] Like this whole scene... [44:04] I'm like, wow. Because from what I've seen on the website, like Stephanie's website, she actually says before this even gets like moved into movie form, she said this should be two movies. She was the one who said that. Oh, really? Because she said she, it's a long book. It's a big book. But she, but like, to be fair, not a lot happens in part one, as far as I'm concerned. Do you know, had, I mean, part one of the movie is like nothing. Yeah.

[44:34] split into two movies yet? [44:36] I don't know. Let me look, because I wonder if that was part of the reasoning. Well, I think she just... I mean, if you're going to split it in two movies, you're getting more money out of it. That's... I think it's just all based... You think it's that? To me, that... She references the Harry Potter books on her website, so that's the only reason that I wondered. Yeah. [44:52] Because... [44:53] Turn like turning that into two movies is. [44:57] Like this part in particular, we watch them get in the car. We watch them get to the airport. We watch them get in a taxi. We watch them randomly walk through the streets of Brazil for a minute. We watch them get in a boat. We watch them arrive at the island. We watch them walk in the door. [45:18] By the time you get there, you're like, I didn't need to see all your traveling. No. No. [45:23] I did not. Halfway through that, I was like, can we just get there? Yeah. I don't need to see the traveling. Yeah, no, I fully agree. But they had to, because they had time to eat up. That's the thing. And there's not a whole lot of other stuff. There's things. Until you get to, well, because like Renesmee has to be born, and the Volturi has to get upset, and then you have to end it there. And that's it. Because it's like where it splits. Yeah. [45:46] Yeah. So it's like, I don't think it needed to be. [45:50] I don't think so either. It could have just been a long movie. It could have been. Yeah, exactly. Because I think the honeymoon is. [45:57] It's a long... It's half of the movie. It's a long honeymoon. We watch them playing chess for more of the movie than we don't. Yeah. [46:03] Yeah, it's a lot.

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[50:48] They've created science-based nutrition that supports your pet's lifelong health, so you can feel confident even when life gets hectic. Because you're only human, there's Hills. Science does more. Ready to let go of the guilt? Find the right food at hillspet.com slash podcast. That's hillspet.com slash podcast. [51:11] Now... [51:12] Just to go back the way that like another thing, cause like we're going to get into now, like the honeymoon, you know, honeymoon and baby and all that. Immortal children. [51:22] The way Stephanie explains them in the Illustrated Guide. And has Carlisle explained them? [51:28] in the book is that [51:30] Immortal children are like outlawed because they can't keep the secret like the vampire. Because they're just like their kids. Yeah. They stay as kids. So they just don't have the ability to keep secrets. And like that, they were so beautiful and enchanting and endearing. [51:46] that like whole covens would like just, you know, they would do anything to protect them. So the Volturi was like, this is a problem. It's too dangerous. Because we're having to eliminate entire covens just to get rid of these immortal children because they'll just protect them. And it's like, but the way they explain it, it's like, not because like they felt like, [52:05] this need to protect these children. Because they're babies. Because they're children. And like, they need to be protected. Yeah. It was that they were so beautiful. That's weird. And I'm like, why do we have to? And I say this because... [52:17] There's a lot of weird shit that ends up with kids. That ends up with kids in this that I'm like, I don't understand why this had to be part of it. I just don't. It's icky. Like, it just doesn't make sense. Like, can we not? Well, like, even going back to, and we'll touch on it in this part, too, but even last time when we were talking about, is it Quill who imprints on a two-year-old? Yeah, a two-year-old. Yeah, like, that's the weird icky shit. And it gets weirder in this one. Well, and she's not the only infant who's been imprinted on now. No.

[52:47] get to now and also another thing that i noted here and it came out of like the wedding reception really and this is from the book is the way she [52:57] Has Bella hate beautiful women. Yeah. Like, hates them. Is it when she sees Arena? She's immediately horrified by the presence of the Denali coven. Mm-hmm. And in turn, the Denali coven are kind of assholes. Because they're like, they feel judged. Well, and she makes them... [53:16] Like, well, they're beautiful. So they have to be mean. Like, they have to be nasty. Like, when they laugh, like, Edward introduces her in the book as his wife, and they're like, oh. [53:26] And it's like, [53:27] she is his wife you were at you're at the wedding like it's just like that doesn't make sense like can we have some girls supporting girls moments please in this because there's none no there really isn't because even when she tries to do it with like the rosalie and belly bella thing i'm like no she has an ulterior motive rosalie is using you as a vessel it's not girls supporting girls and even alice alice is just manipulative with bella like i don't have a very pure relationship she just controls her uh-huh and it makes me crazy [53:52] There's a lot of internalized misogyny that's happening here that is coming out in these things. And like pitting women against women. Like in the book, when the Denali clan... [54:03] meets Bella and they like say hello. Tanya is part of the Denali clan. I feel like Tanya's not a vampire name. I know. But Tanya was mentioned before as... [54:16] somebody that like I think they wanted to set Edward and Tanya up and Tanya had like a big crush on Edward oh I thought it was Arena but Edward no because Arena's with Laurent so Tanya like really was into Edward but he was like not

[54:30] super into her. I guess like that he was kind of into her, but like not like he's into Bella. Yeah. And so she knows this. [54:37] and like which like whatever this is what you're saying yeah so she knows that like but she knows that like nothing happened and that he's not interested and that's it and also like they're getting married and also like you're at your wedding so like i think you won yeah i think you got it i think you got this locked but the way in the book it's like tanya gives like they give each other a hug edward and tanya and then it's like tanya was still holding edward like held on to him longer and then she says about all of them all the four of them and they were all [55:07] so beautiful that it made my stomach hurt. [55:11] The hell? [55:12] Like... [55:13] She's like intimidated. Can you just be like, wow, they're beautiful. [55:16] yeah i'm married like it's just like what it has like their beauty has nothing to do with you yeah and it says and that's when he says let me introduce you to my wife [55:24] And it says the Denali's all laughed lightly in response. [55:28] Thank you. [55:29] And then she says, she says, Tanya was every bit as lovely as my worst nightmares had predicted. Jesus Christ. She eyed me with a look that was much more speculative than it was resigned and then reached out to take my hand. [55:42] but immediately can we all just be cool like she's more beautiful than like my worst nightmares it's like damn and she's kind of being a bitch like why does it need to go like that and it's like I realize she's young she's 18 yeah [55:59] So you have those like we've many women have found themselves in similar positions. But I'm just like but I feel like.

[56:05] She's so... [56:07] She's never just like... [56:09] in awe of these women or just like wow what about like you know i mean like just looking at them like wow what a beautiful creature she's always threatened it's always threatened it's always competition and it's like it doesn't it doesn't need to be that way babe and you just want to shake her and be like it girl [56:24] It's okay. You got him. Yeah. It's okay. He's literally sickeningly obsessed with you. So like, don't worry. To a crazy level. Don't worry about it. Which I don't buy. [56:33] They have no chemistry. She gets pregnant and I'm not even convinced they ever fuck. They don't have chemistry together. They just don't. Which is wild. I'm like, did you guys screen test them? I know. Because they're both pretty good actors. Like, Robert Pattinson has gone on to be in a lot of, like, really great movies. And Kristen Stewart, like, when she was Joan Jett, I thought she was so good. [56:54] together? I'm like... And it's wild because they dated. Well, that's the other thing. They were together for a while. But I'm like, was that... Maybe that was just press. I don't think so. Nothing's real, though. I mean, I don't know. Who knows? But they have... [57:05] no chemistry together on screen and never is it more apparent than when they finally get to isle esme and they are about to you know he's like naked in the water yeah and she's like just give me a second to get ready and then she acts like she's preparing to get sacrificed 100 which like maybe she is i've never seen anyone brush their teeth so vigorously and rip at their hair oh my god from the root yeah just root as a hairdresser yeah no start at the bottom and then also the way

[57:35] Razor burn and cuts. And then I didn't understand that [57:39] Alice packed for her which like what that's your brother and then Alice just put a bunch of skimpy like teddies and lingerie in there okay here's the thing [57:48] it's weird that Alice packed that bag. Like, I'm not moving on from that. I was like, please do not tell me. That's not weird. That shit is weird. But Bella is so horrified by what was packed. Yeah. That she's acting like it's like nipple pasties. Yeah. I was like, this is your honeymoon. Yeah. We're a cute teddy. You can look cute. Get down with your bad self. It's good. And she ends up going out there naked. So I was like, well, why were you so scandalized by the fabric? You went [58:18] so inclined. But... [58:19] But weird. She crumples to the ground at one point, and it is like she's about to go out to meet a firing squad. I think she's just so embarrassed about, like... [58:30] her body because she's so young her yeah like this is why you weren't ready to get married babe if you're crumbling onto the ground at the thought of fucking your brand new husband you're probably not ready for marriage probably and also i say if you just waited [58:44] Until after you became a vampire, you would feel confident as fuck. I know. [58:48] So, like, why don't you just wait? I know. Wait until you feel like a goddess. But I do get what she's saying about not wanting to be, like, writhing in pain on her honeymoon. Yeah, I mean, that's a bummer. Yeah. Yeah. [58:57] They should have planned that long. [58:59] Does it? I think it's a few days. [59:02] I don't really know. Didn't seem like it at the Cullen's house. [59:04] I think it is. It's days? I think. I think it was just hours. Is that all it is? Three to five days. Yeah. But also, they were there for like 14 days. They were there for a while. That is true. Okay, so part of the first week is going to be you writhing in pain. Then you wake up looking like a snack with a full smoky eye and new highlights and bouncy hair. Me personally, you best change me before my wedding. Yeah. You best change me before my wedding. You know how many mother fucking appointments I had before my wedding to be the hottest version of myself?

[59:34] And you could just have permanent smoky eyes. I woke up like this. Yeah, like literally permanent lashes. You plan that wedding for a dreary day. Yeah. So you're not sparkling and freaking everybody out. Which they didn't need to anyway, because they had the cover of all those gorgeous flowers. One thing I have to say is that their wedding was stunning. Oh, stunning. Stunning. Stunning. But yeah, I would like to be changed before that. Yeah. But they do end up doing it. [1:00:01] And it's very chaste. She gets bruised from missionary. She does get bruised. She gets bruised from simple missionary. [1:00:10] I said, what? And also... [1:00:15] You see it the next day, and I'm like, how did the closet door and a wall get damaged? And the bed? The bed is broke. I'm like, you guys were doing missionary. He bit pillows? It's the softest sex I've ever seen. Show me where he broke the closet door. Show me. Show me to me, Rachel. Show me to me, Rachel. Show me to me, Rachel, how that room was ravaged. Show me that, because from what we saw... [1:00:38] The lightest. I said that's soft. So gorgeous. It was beautiful. Candlelit even. Moonlit. Not breaking a bed. I was like, where? Sir what? [1:00:47] quals or huh what i was just a little confused and then when the housekeepers come rude so fucking elena goes they're not carpenters they're not because one of them the man is just walking out with part of the bed frame in his hands they didn't even bother to pick that place up and then later you see edward fucking flying around the room to pack and warp speed i was like you could have cleaned that fucking room for them i'm sorry to leave that room that big of

[1:01:17] to sit on the couch while they clean. [1:01:20] Yeah. [1:01:21] that's so entitled your underwear i know pants you do and while they clean the room that you fucking demolish and didn't bother to even pick up the feathers yeah while doing missionary like i don't know that felt yucky to me it did one thing that we also didn't even really talk about when like between you and i when we were watching this [1:01:38] That's his mom's house. Yeah. [1:01:42] I don't want to fuck there. If I was Bella, I'd say it's not the first place that comes to mind when I think of fucking you for the first time. [1:01:53] This home was built for your vampire mother. This home was not built for that. We shouldn't fuck it. We should not do missionary in the home built and named for your mother. In the book, they destroy many rooms. Yeah, there's many rooms. There's like a blue room, a white room, and they destroy them all. And they wreck them all. Yeah, they just wreck them all. They came in like a wrecking ball. They're like, hopefully, yes, they will let us come back. I'm like, probably not, you assholes. You two are disgusting. You pieces of shit. And also, Bella just comes back pregnant as fuck, and imagine how embarrassing that would be. Yeah. Be like, oh, [1:02:23] Oh my gosh. And I think we might have made a mistake. It might have been a problem. We did an oopsie. Like, oops. I just can't believe I watched this at like 13 years old. And I was like, oh, wee! Love! I watch it now. I'm like, oh my God. Maybe that actually explains some of my decision making in my youth. Truly. In my younger days. I mean, you never know. Yeah. Also, why isn't he sparkling on this honeymoon at all? That's a really good question. He is in the sun. Do you know why? Because I don't think they had it in the budget. I don't think they did either.

[1:02:53] expensive. Really? To make him sparkle? Yeah. Shit. And one part that really got me was when he's trying to avoid fucking her because like he missed her. On their honeymoon. [1:03:03] And they're in the Amazon rainforest, I assume. Yep. And he sprints ahead of her, like way ahead of her. And she's just like left behind. And I was like... [1:03:16] Why are you leaving your new bride, your new human bride, alone in the Amazon rainforest? You've already left her in the Pacific Northwest rainforest? I was going to say it's kind of his thing. Why do you just leave her in forest? I would never, I'd be so mad at John. The rainforest? Do you know what kind of scary? Oh my god. Boobs and beeps are living in the rainforest? It's criminal to even call them boobs and beeps. I'm human. I'm mortal. Yeah. Yeah. [1:03:43] One little, and I'm gone. I know. Like, you're stoned. At least you can get through this, but you just leave me because you don't want to be tempted to fuck me in the rainforest? Yeah. [1:03:53] Wow. What a sentence. That's, like, essentially what's happening. You don't want to be tempted to fuck me in the rain to missionary in the rainforest? That's crazy. It was wild. He also, Debbie pointed this out, when they're in the waterfall, he takes a deep breath before he goes under the water. I was like, but you're dead. Yeah, I was like, you don't need to do that. Like, hello? What does it mean? Also, what does it mean? What was the dolphin thing that you said when they were in the- Oh my god, when they were naked in the water, just, like, living their lives and looking at the moon?

[1:04:23] and kissing. That is beautiful. So beautiful. But I said, there's... [1:04:27] pink dolphins river dolphins in that water look that up you ever seen a pink river i don't think they give a shit about humans i'd like you to go look it up look them up no because if anything's gonna ruin the mood it's a pink river if that thing opens its mouth near you yeah you'd never missionary again and i said you two are very unsuspecting right now and you're very exposed yeah and i'm sure there's other things in that water that could let's google what's in the [1:04:57] little aware [1:04:58] of what's going on. Let's see. [1:05:01] jaguars jaguars are in the water says brazilian that's that's why i said that it also says legendary fish legendary fish i don't want legendary fish swimming all up on the butt pink water dolphins are so scary there's also another one that's called the tuck [1:05:23] Tukuksi? Nope. And it's related to the dolphin, the pink river dolphins. I'm scared. [1:05:30] The largest predator in the Amazon reaching up to 20 feet in length is there. The black caiman. Ew. Have you ever seen that? The world's largest snake is in that water. Why is she? The green anaconda. Why is she butter? Why is she butter? [1:05:47] Piranhas are in there. And also, if that mother... Oh, no. That man is sparkling. Oh, girl. There's electric eels. That man is sparkling. Don't piranhas love sparkly things? The worst shark.

[1:06:00] The worst shark, in my opinion, from what? Is it the cookie cutter shark? Oh, I don't know about that. I thought the worst shark was the bull shark. That's really bad, too. What's the one you just said? The cookie cutter shark is just really scary. Are you saying cookie cutter shark? I am. What? And you know who told me about this? My child. Tell me about the cookie cutter shark. I'm going to show you this thing. [1:06:17] Jaguars are excellent swimmers. Who knew? I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. [1:06:21] They're frequently spotted prowling the riverbanks. What the fuck is that? What the actual motherfuck is that? That's a cookie cutter shark. I think they're little, so I think, or maybe. Oh my god, do you know what's actually really exciting? There's capybaras. Oh, that's fun. And Amazon manatees. Oh. Oh. [1:06:38] That's pretty cool. Luckily, those are herbivores. But yeah, there's a lot of fucked up shit in that water and you should put your butt away. You should you should keep your butt out of that water. Just looking up at the moon, honey. You just got stung by an electric eel, bitten by a fucking piranha, and a green anaconda shark, and a jaguar is actually actively hunting you while we record this podcast. Truly. Fucked. Truly, it's happening right now. And you know what? It would be fine for [1:07:08] Sparkling, so he's attracting piranhas. No, there's no budget for that. But he should be. He should be. Put your butt away. That's another time Stephanie said... [1:07:17] Vampires aren't real. She said, you believe to this? You really think they sparkle all the time? She said, girl, that's so cute that you believe in vampires. And I said, but you do. You wrote about it. Now, it comes to it that he's like, I'm not...

[1:07:31] gonna do that again until we're not ever like we're not doing that like not until you're turned and she's like that sucks so they play so much chess which also if i'd rather go through venom spreading through my body rapidly than play chess on my home over and over again yeah no yeah so they play chess and then she has a dream [1:07:50] That they do it again. And she wakes up and she literally... [1:07:55] cries and begs him to have sex with her. [1:08:01] I died inside during the scene. It is upsetting. If you have to beg your husband and cry and beg him to have sex with you, that should not be your husband. It was so upsetting. That should not be your husband. It was so... You should immediately... I hated it. You should revoke the paperwork because technically it's not even legal yet. No. And you should say, baby... [1:08:24] Where the hell is my husband? Because it's not this guy. I have to beg him to follow me. That's not good. Get rid of him. Get rid of him. I said, you gotta go. You gotta go, my dude. That's so upsetting. Yeah, and this is when we get... [1:08:37] our pregnancy. [1:08:40] Pregnancy. This is one of those two times she got pregnant. Wait, before we get there, there's also a scene in the middle of all this where Jacob is on the beach. Oh, yeah. And we have to talk about this. I do have that. Okay. So... [1:08:53] Yeah. So he's on the push. Again, Jacob's part of the book is wild and the chapter names of his are really wild. Um, yeah. [1:09:01] Like there's like the preface of his thing of his part of this, because they're all split into chapters and like point of views and books and all that. His is called life. Life sucks and then you die. Yeah, I should be so lucky. Oh, my God. My mom used to say that to me all the time. Life sucks and then you die. Horrific. I know.

[1:09:18] And so angsty. It is so angsty. She was Team Jacob, I guess. She is Team Jacob, I think. And let me find the chapter. It's literally a chapter that's called, like... [1:09:30] What am I, the Wizard of Oz? You want to take a heart? You want to take a light? It's the longest chapter name in the world. This is a chapter. Chapter 17 is entitled, What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have. [1:09:45] Wow. That's the name of the chapter. Was this edited? I don't know. Stand up. Who did it? Hello. Who did it? I guess you don't have to take all of the editor's recommendations. No, you don't. You don't. But the more books I write, the more I have realized that editors are very smart people. Yeah. Yeah. [1:10:03] And they do know what they're talking about. That's why they have that job. They do know what they're talking about. And it should be this far into a series. I feel like... [1:10:11] By book two, book one, I was probably a little like, [1:10:15] that's my book i'm not taking your suggestions like not enough yeah book two i was like okay you're right you're right yeah book three i literally was like said you know so much better than me like i was literally like is it final kiss take my hands let's do this together let's jet set i said you just know like you really like editors out there [1:10:36] because you know what you you know you know and we need you period so that we need you uh but yeah this [1:10:47] I do question this one because I'm like, what's going on here? Yeah.

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[1:12:31] that being a pet parent means being human with all of our imperfections and daily juggling acts. Hill Science-Led Nutrition helps you give more love than humanly possible. [1:12:40] Whether it's those long work days or trying to balance attention between multiple pets, Hill's Pet Nutrition gets it. [1:12:46] They've created science-based nutrition that supports your pet's lifelong health so you can feel confident even when life gets hectic. Because you're only human, there's Hills. Science does more. Ready to let go of the guilt? Find the right food at hillspet.com slash podcast. That's hillspet.com slash podcast. [1:13:05] So, we're in... [1:13:12] we're in lapush i love saying lapush we're in lapush and they're talking about like you know jacob's you know wondering what's going on wondering if she's gonna he's convinced that bella's gonna die so he's basically saying the treaty will be null and void and i can't wait to kill edward once it is pretty much and he's talking to leah and i think he's talking is seth there [1:13:33] Yeah, I think it's Lee and Seth. Yeah, and they're talking about how, you know, they start talking about, like, imprinting, essentially. Because they look over, and on the other side of the beach are all the other pack members who have imprinted. Canoodling couples. They're all kissing, cuddling, giggling with each other. Canoodling. And Jacob's like, oh my god, their lives don't even belong to them anymore. And as he's looking at them, canoodling couples. [1:13:55] It then switches over and he's looking at Quill. [1:13:59] and the two-year-old Claire he imprinted on.

[1:14:03] Right after he's talking about these canoodling couples whose lives are not their own anymore and how lucky they are. And Leah's saying how lucky they are. And then it's like. It's so dark. And you look at this little two-year-old. [1:14:15] And this... [1:14:17] At least 17-year-old. This boy who has no right... [1:14:22] Just squatting by her next to the water. Yeah. And I said, this is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. It's almost isn't it more disturbing in the book? You read some of it out loud. Oh, yeah. [1:14:33] Oh, yeah, it is. You got to post it. Let me find where I have this. [1:14:38] Because at one point, so remember, the way that imprinting is talked about in the illustrated guide... [1:14:47] is that [1:14:48] It is not true love. And it's not love at first sight. Or it's not, I shouldn't say it's not true love. It's not love at first sight. And it doesn't have to be romantic. [1:14:57] It could be brotherly. It could be brotherly. And that's the way that everybody tries to defend it. [1:15:04] That it doesn't have to be like that. But you know what's crazy? Yeah. [1:15:08] Yeah, you know, it's crazy. So there's a part in this book and Jacob's part where he's talking about how his sister Rachel... [1:15:14] One of the pack members, Paul, imprinted on her and how he's like annoyed by that. And he says, wasn't it bad enough that yet a number another member of the pack had imprinted? Because really, that made four of ten. Now, when would it stop? Stupid myth was supposed to be rare for crying out loud. All this mandatory love at first sight was completely sickening.

[1:15:37] Look at that. You canceled out your own thoughts. Steph, what is what? Like what? You said it's not love. And actually, I think in Eclipse, Jacob or maybe even in New Moon, Jacob literally says the words to Bella. It's not love at first sight. And then in his point of view in Breaking Dawn, he says all this love at first sight. Yep. Yep. [1:15:57] Yep. Make that make sense. And then, like, the very next... [1:16:02] paragraph it says so i'd been all geared up to be keeping that secret and then two days after rachel got home paul ran into her on the beach bada bing bada boom true love [1:16:12] I thought it wasn't true. That's the second time in two paragraphs that it has been stated that this is true love. [1:16:18] Love, my friends. And then... [1:16:21] We get to another part, just speaking of imprinting, speaking of Quill and Claire, where we get an entire scene of Claire talking like a two-year-old. Like being like, I have a walk and like meaning a rock and it's queen and blah, blah, blah. And she's like, Quill, do this and blah, blah, blah. I have a question. Where's Chris Hansen? Thank you. Where is Chris Hansen? Get him on the scene. Because it's about to get weird. Send Chris Hansen to La Push. It's about to get weird. You know, it's actually crazy. [1:16:51] Somebody sent me a DM is about to play Chris Hansen in a movie. Are you serious? I'm serious. That's wild. Isn't that wild? That's wild. And so he's talking about Quill. No. We go through the whole scene of seeing Claire being a two-year-old. And he's saying that Quill would play peekaboo with her for an hour. Like he never got bored of hanging out with her. Because he's in love with her. Which also is weird. It is weird. It's weird, man. We're not making this any better. Where's Claire's mom? I'm saying. And then Jacob says, and I couldn't even make fun of him for it.

[1:17:21] - Yeah. [1:17:22] "'Though I did think—are you ready for it?—I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monkitude ahead of him until Claire was his age.' [1:17:33] Also, [1:17:34] That would only make her sixteen. [1:17:37] And also, [1:17:38] I thought you said... [1:17:40] That it didn't have to be romantic. Now you're telling me he's got to wait. He's going to wait it out and watch this little girl go from shit in her pants. [1:17:49] to 16 years old when you can finally date her. Yeah. We're really going to do that? [1:17:55] We did that. They did that. And then... She did that. She says for Quill, he says for Quill, at least it was a good thing werewolves didn't get older. Yeah. [1:18:04] What? I don't remember that being part of the lore. I thought that they were, I thought they just like slowly got older. Yeah, I don't remember all that part of the lore, but I thought it was just the vampires that didn't age. Yeah. [1:18:18] All right, so it says... [1:18:20] They age normally until they reach physical maturity, around age 25. [1:18:25] So not 16. Wait a minute. He's going to reach age 25? Yeah. [1:18:31] And she's going to be 16? And then also... Like, there's going to be that age gap? Yeah, what? What? [1:18:37] like and then he just it's the same thing and then they don't age stops and then she'll continue to age that's the thing so then they don't age as long as they continue to face [1:18:47] So if they stop phasing, they'll start aging again. Okay. [1:18:51] But yeah, 25 is where they get permanently frozen.

[1:18:55] But they die. And if he's... They're not immortal. Who knows how old he is? [1:19:00] I think he's probably like 16, 17, like Jacob's age, right? So it's like he's going to be... Or like, who knows, because Sam's kind of older. So he's going to hit 25... [1:19:10] before she hits 16 yes because she's only two two yeah so it's like that don't think too hard on that i'm thinking way too hard on it and it's real upsetting because even in this same thing when he's like yeah you know he's got a good 14 years of monkitude and i was like oh this is gross gross like he's not gonna fuck any girls his own age he can't because there's this two-year-old that he's waiting for that's so fucked up yeah that's a weird like i can't get over this and he [1:19:40] And he's like, huh? [1:19:41] And Claire is like, no, you! [1:19:45] Claire doesn't know what the fuck that means. Claire's two. And then he says, you know, a real girl. I mean, just for now, right? On your nights off babysitting duty? [1:19:54] Oh my god. [1:19:55] Who's in trust and quill to babysit this child that he's in love with? Yeah. This is too gross. This is actually, like, making me nauseous. Oh, well, and then he says... [1:20:04] Jacob says I bet she'd understand you know when she's grown up she wouldn't get mad that you had a life while she was in diapers she might get mad that you imprinted on her when she was two years old she might get mad she wouldn't get mad that you had a life while she was in diapers is the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my so when she's 16 she'll be like well I was shitting my diaper then so I understand why you didn't date me

[1:20:26] I don't need to. Does anybody? I'm like, are you? What? How do you write that? As a woman, too. Hello? [1:20:34] Like... [1:20:35] I have to go. I'm actually late for something. Bye. Just to make it even worse... [1:20:41] You have to. Jacob's like, but you won't do that, will you? Like, you're not going to date anyone else. And Quill says... [1:20:48] Now remember, we have been primed [1:20:51] And told it's not, it's not romantic love every time that they are be, will be what they need to be. Like if they're a brother or protector or whatever. [1:20:59] This to me sounds like it's romantic love because he's not willing to date anyone else. He says, I can't see it. [1:21:06] I can't imagine. I just don't see anyone that way. I don't notice girls anymore, you know? I don't see their faces. Because I'm only strung up on Claire, the two-year-old. [1:21:17] Like, I'm sorry, there's no other way to take that. [1:21:21] there's no other way and here's like she could have written this in a way where he became claire's protector yeah and like had a girlfriend at the same time but like had that kind of relationship with her like a big brother and you know like [1:21:35] There could have been a scene where Claire was playing by the water and he protected her from drowning or something like that. [1:21:41] normal that's the thing it's like if you had made it like yeah they just because like you said imprinting but make it if you're if you're saying that it can have a brotherly piece to it show us that piece that's don't show us a weird fucking guy waiting until he can fuck this girl but she's two right now because if that conversation had happened and quill had said well yeah of course i'm gonna date other girls because i'm not interested in her that way i just love claire

[1:22:11] hurts her yeah i would have been like oh you could even make it that like when claire gets older she has a boyfriend and like yeah quill's really protective and making sure he's the right guy yeah but like in like in that way that's like not crossing a line it's like if they had had that discussion i would have been like oh that's a little less crazy because the other thing is it takes away the two-year-old or the woman's autonomy oh they have no say in it [1:22:35] Like even... [1:22:37] what's is it emily even emily fucks over her best friend and cousin just because sam's like well i imprinted on you and have no say and it's like and you're saying [1:22:47] Like, he's like, oh, I'm sure Claire will understand when she gets older. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So we're just not even giving Claire a choice here? What if Claire doesn't want to be with you? That she now has to just look at you and go, oh, it's okay that you, you know, waited. Yeah, she has to come to the fact that I have to date you. Yeah. Because you imprinted on me. That's so fucked up. She has no choice. Like, the whole imprinting thing, again, it's such a weird... [1:23:07] Like... [1:23:08] thing to do that takes away women's autonomy because it's like we're not giving any i don't see leah imprinting on anyone no which is like that's not fair so we don't take away the men's autonomy we only take away women if i was leah i was reminded of it in this movie when she's sitting on the beach with jacob and seth and she's just hanging out and she has to watch her fucking bitch-ass cousin canoodle with the man she used to love i would physically fight my cousin every

[1:23:38] on the daily is what i said that's what i wrote down right here in these notes i would beat her ass on the daily bitch how's your cousin do you that dirty bitch how does your cousin do you that i am not over it and if i was best friend i'd be in prison yeah truly prison justice for leah leah can be a pain in the ass in this movie oh my god they had a killer dad [1:24:06] She loses her man. She has to... There's one part, too, where they're... Go ahead. I got it. Go ahead. I got my post-it note for it. Locked and loaded. [1:24:16] Even in this, even in the movie, and I think she said, and she says it in the book too, when she breaks away from the pack, because later when they get home from the honeymoon and they have to keep Bella safe, the pack finds out she's pregnant and the pack is like, we're going to kill that baby. Like we got to kill her because this is fuck up. It's an abomination. Yeah. And they've broken the treaty essentially because this baby's going to kill her. Yeah. So. [1:24:38] And obviously, Jacob doesn't want to do that. He breaks away from the pack because he is technically the true alpha. He just decided not to be his grandfather was chief. Yeah. So he's like, I don't have to bow to you, Sam. Fuck off. So he leaves and Seth follows. Seth's adorable. I love that. And he's like, I don't want to hurt the Cullens either. And Leah eventually comes because she was like, I want to get the fuck away from my ex-boyfriend. And I'm here all his thoughts. Whose thoughts I've had to hear every day. And when she says it, and Jacob's like, you don't even like me. [1:25:05] And he's like, I don't, she says, I don't have to like you. I just have to follow you.

[1:25:10] And I said, wow, if that isn't Twilight in a nutshell. Yeah. A woman saying to a man, I own a duck. That's the eye of the duck. That's the eye of the duck. Shout out to Adam and Dom. Check out their pond. Listen to Eye of the Duck. It's a really good podcast. That is the eye of the duck. That is the eye of the duck is... [1:25:25] I don't have to like you. I just have to follow you. [1:25:29] Like that's right there. And then on top of that, because she starts talking about, I don't want to be the sad ex-girlfriend. I'm going to follow her ex-boyfriend around all of them. Her story is so sad. And she's like, and I don't want to have to think of his thoughts and hear his thoughts and have him hear my thoughts. Well, in the book... [1:25:46] They talk about how when you, like, you know, when you phase, your clothes rip apart, so you're naked. And Jacob says, nudity was an inconvenient but unavoidable part of pack life. We'd all thought nothing of it before Leah came along. Then it got awkward. Leah had average control when it came to her temper. It took her the usual length of time to stop exploding out of her clothes every time she got pissed. Not exploding out of her clothes. [1:26:16] You exploded out of your clothes. I don't know why that line had me rolling yesterday. But then it says, are you ready for Jacob? Team Jacob. We'd all caught a glimpse and it wasn't like she wasn't worth looking at. It was just that it was so not worth it when she caught you thinking about it later. [1:26:37] Also, just the sentence, it's not that she wasn't worth looking at. And let's shrink that down even more. Worth...

[1:26:47] looking at worth looking i want to fight people right now forget forget emily i'm gonna fight so much more than that justice for leah like what the not only you're thinking about it later only [1:27:00] Does this bitch have to watch her love of her life fall in love and imprint on her cousin and best friend who's just like, I don't know what to tell you. I just love him. You want to be in our wedding now? And then has to hear his thoughts about Emily. Emily. [1:27:16] And he gets to hear her thoughts about the whole situation. Yeah. [1:27:22] Not only that, she's got to explode out of her clothes. Crazy. And then have these little dingus mutts over here. And then think about it later. She's not worth looking at it. But then they have to think nasty-ass thoughts about it later. And then she's got to be like, hey, little bitch. That's so fucked up. Stop thinking about my ass. That's so fucked up. What a fucking life. I was like, no wonder you broke away from that pack. I'd be like, I'm a lone goddamn wolf. I would walk into the ocean. No way I'm being part of a pack. I would say, I'm going to La Push. [1:27:52] and then I would walk into the ocean of La Push. What a shit life. Oh, man. Justice for Leah. Even though Leah is kind of a bitch in this. But whatever. She's on the right side, at least. And honestly, she can be a bitch. [1:28:05] It's [1:28:06] Wild. And oh, it's I just can't get over it. Now, apparently the whole idea of like human vampire hybrids.

[1:28:17] is a thing it's in the illustrated good of course because she had to explain have you guys heard of this illustrated glavia illustrated glide i just illustrated this vampire named yoham [1:28:28] love it uh he was a vampire who was i guess he was like a scientist when he was a human and that's a scientist name it is and he was very curious about things and so he allowed a female vampire to turn him just so he could like experiment and see what it was like what it's like for him okay for science i feel like he has really good hair right i feel that too he's not great um but he became obsessed with the idea of vampire human hybrids when he became a vampire so he tried [1:28:58] He just kept fucking women who were humans, like human women. And he kept either killing them while fucking, or they would die while trying to have the child. Awesome. So he was like, oh, this isn't working. He's like, goddamn. But after... [1:29:11] According to the illustrated guide, and I quote, after a lot of practice. Oh, wow. [1:29:15] A lot of practice. He impregnated a woman named Serena and she lived and had a daughter. Yeah. [1:29:21] He apparently conceived a son with another woman who was apparently what is termed a singer. [1:29:28] but she was very, and now a singer is what Bella is. Okay. A singer is... [1:29:33] has blood that quote-unquote sings to one vampire. What a fucking flex. That's why Edward is so helplessly in love with her. He can't fight it. It's that blood. Her blood is a siren. She sings to him. That's beautiful. Now, apparently...

[1:29:49] Singers... [1:29:50] don't hit for all vampires. They hit for a particular vampire. Mm-hmm. [1:29:55] That's not true for Bella, though, because I feel like every vampire that comes in contact with her is like... Remember James? He missed his life. Literally, he's like, I just want to taste it. It's like, but that's against the lore. Yeah. Because she... [1:30:07] Maybe it just tastes a little better, I guess. I don't know. But so he conceived a child, a son with a singer. [1:30:14] But in the illustrated guide, she is very adamant that this lady [1:30:18] Her singer abilities, nothing, according to when put up next to Bella's. Okay. She's always like Bella's just more than everybody. Oh, maybe she doesn't hate her. I think so, too. [1:30:27] But so they did, they are a thing. Hybrids reach physical adulthood by seven years. Okay. So in seven years, they will become like... [1:30:36] uh, an adult, but they're still seven, but they're not like in a seven year old body. Yeah. They become an adult, but they are only on this earth for seven years before they become an adult. Okay. And apparently they're born with an adult's mental capacity. Okay. Okay. Um, and then they just stay that way. They don't, [1:30:53] move past that all right [1:30:55] But yeah, so that's a thing. And so I just wanted to put that out there because there is like, you know, precedence for it kind of thing. Um, yeah. [1:31:05] But yeah, so that's what will happen with Renesmee, is she will... [1:31:08] within seven years she will become a full adult okay um so that's all that jacob has to wait for oh that's so great um which is weird

[1:31:28] This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the all-in-one finance app where you can bank, borrow, and invest all in one place. Let's talk about bank accounts for a second. The average bank savings rate is 0.39% in interest. You're earning pennies on your savings, and it doesn't have to be that way. But with SoFi's high-yield checkings and savings, the money barely making moves sitting in your savings account can earn over eight times the [1:31:58] No account or overdraft fees. We love transparency. You can get your paycheck up to two days early, plus get up to a $300 welcome bonus when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. [1:32:10] Sign up for SoFi Checking and Savings at SoFi.com slash morbid. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank and a member FDIC. Terms apply. [1:32:20] Sling is the live TV service that puts viewers in charge of their entertainment at an unmatched value. Streaming live sports, shows, and movies starts at just $4.99 and everything works instantly across your favorite devices. The best part? Total control over the channel lineup. No paying for tons of channels that never get watched or local channels that are already free. And there's also no long-term contract. Live TV is available when it's wanted with flexible options like monthly subscriptions or one-day, three-day, or seven-day passes. [1:32:50] subscriptions can be paused at any time and entertainment doesn't stop over 600 free channels stay available even after pausing one thing that i love about sling is they have this thing called the cloud dvr and it includes 50 hours of storage but you can also upgrade that to 200 hours i love that that's awesome because i love to record my shows and watch them later and then fast forward through the commercials

[1:33:12] Choose and customize your favorite channel lineup or pause and watch for free. Sling lets you do that. Visit sling.com to learn more. [1:33:19] Now, the whole time. [1:33:26] that like bell is in the cullen house and rosalie is just thirsting for that baby anytime someone's like you know this fetus is is hurting you this fetus is going to kill you she's like it's a baby call it a baby and it's like no no i get it babe i get it that it's like a real thing in there [1:33:42] biologically and medically it is a fetus until it comes out of her so like you need to tone it down like you need to calm down and actually for the amount of time she's like everybody else is a little bit wrong because for the amount of time that bella is pregnant it's not a fetus it's actually an embryo it's a number honestly i don't even think it's an embryo though it's actually ever [1:34:02] Yeah, probably not. With how she's pregnant. How long is it? Nine weeks. Nine to ten. Nine to ten weeks. But how long is it that... [1:34:11] That she's pregnant. Oh, sorry. Three weeks, I think. Three weeks, I think she's pregnant. Hold on, let me make sure. So I don't even think she ever just... Because also, remember... [1:34:20] as soon as she gets pregnant, she feels it kicking. Implantation for her is two minutes. Literally. She's pregnant for 28 days. Yeah. So and she feels it kicking the second she's [1:34:30] she's pregnant so that thing is no longer an embryo that's a full-blown fetus yeah but it's a fetus the whole time yeah and it's like that's just and maybe that's just like medically and biologically it's annoying me that she's like being such a bitch you are a science queen it just annoyed me also

[1:34:45] when she does figure out she's pregnant, she looks at... [1:34:49] in the movie she like you know asks for her like makeup bag and she sees the thing of tampons and that's when she's like oh fuck and in the book the same kind of thing happens but she like lifts the tampon box up like because she's kind of like oh fuck i don't need these edward in the book is like you're trying to pass off this sickness as pms and i was like i'm sorry some people do get really i'm sorry edward anthony cullen man have you ever had a period because i've had cramps so badly that one i've thrown up and two i've almost fainted yeah literally yeah [1:35:19] So don't sit here and be like, trying to pass this off. Fuck off. I'm like, I've thrown up during my period before, okay? If John ever tried to question... [1:35:27] by period i'd be like fight night you ever experienced fight night like get out of here like that just annoyed me in the book no he's like get out of here but they're not he's not nice to her no he's not ever he's not pleased but he's so in love with her like make it make sense make it make sense so alice taps into the fact that like something is a ride because she can't see bella anymore like yeah i think like the the fetus like over it's like a it's like actually

[1:35:57] is like what's going on and then carlisle gets on the phone and bella says carlisle i swear something just moved inside of me i said that's diabolical to say to your father-in-law and you know carlisle was probably like did you mean to call me i swear something just moved inside of me who are you saying this to uh what and she meanwhile looks in that and she looks in the in the mirror and she's like i'm bumping there's a bump [1:36:21] let me tell you that bitch is a pilates queen i would give my left arm for that bump i would give my left arm for my stomach to look like her stomach looks when it's when she's like i'm pregnant i eat a pizza and i'm more pregnant than bella mama is tone as fuck in that it's like i was gonna say i drink a little water and i'm more pregnant than bella literally it's like goddamn nuts [1:36:43] I was like, we're really not going to give her like anything here. Nah. But cool. So yeah. So justice for Lee and all that. And Carlisle. [1:36:52] Now, there's a part where... [1:36:56] It's like while they're talking about how she's like getting to the point where it's like breaking her ribs and shit. Yeah. And Carlisle's like, yo... [1:37:03] you're gonna kill you like this thing's gonna break you let's real talk right now yeah like there's no way and robert pattinson literally almost laughs in this scene multiple times when they're telling him that the baby's crushing bella from the inside out he says i can't live without you watch it again he laughs stifles a full laugh he does and he turns to the window doesn't do a good job at it's very very obvious that he stops himself from laughing and then he does it one more

[1:37:33] Because he's like, this isn't serious. Also, I think it's partially that she looks so scary that he can't be like, I can't live without you. Because he's like, I kind of want to live without you right now because you're terrifying. I'd like to get out of here. They, the makeup and like whatever else they did to make her look so just like gaunt and scary. I was like, what did you guys do? Like terrifying. And while when Bella like goes into labor and like all her bones are breaking, it's so scary. Because she like drops blood. [1:38:03] like the baby needs blood so she's drinking blood and then she drops some and the baby like wants it so bad that she she breaks her back and her knees yeah it's terrifying and [1:38:14] In the book, Jacob's part, he says, for the tiniest part of a second, my eyes touched on the two standing in the back. Esme, Alice, small, small. [1:38:25] and distractingly feminine. [1:38:27] Distractingly feminine? What the fuck does that mean, pretty? [1:38:33] distractingly feminine he's like here's the thing i was really concerned about bella but i kind of wanted to fuck those vampires and i do feel weird about it that sounds like something ai would spit out no you know what that sounds like i realized these were written well before ai was a thing so i'm not that's not what i'm saying distracting but i'm saying that does sound like a stupid [1:38:52] thing that AI would put together... [1:38:55] It sounds like... To be like, put this in there. It sounds like that whole generation that's, like, looks maxing. Have you heard of that? Yes. That's the kind of shit that those incels would say. Distractingly feminine. Distractingly...

[1:39:06] feminine call girls like mobs or something i don't know what the fuck it's weird i just it just sounds like something that two things that don't belong together it just doesn't so that's why i feel like again i realized this was before ai i'm not by any means no no we're not accusing anybody i'm more just saying like that's how that is also why when like people think things that are not written well are just ai not always sometimes people just don't work but this really does feel like one of those because like a lot of times when you see like [1:39:36] AI, there'll be things that you're like, that doesn't make sense. Like that metaphor doesn't make sense. Yeah. Or like, it's like overly... [1:39:44] worked yeah the word or like the phrase that feels overly worked distractingly feminine feels like something that somebody should have said pull that back distractingly feminine that one doesn't make sense yeah it is it kind of feels like one yeah and i feel like maybe i'm like was he trying to insult i absolutely because he's like [1:40:02] I think he's basically saying like the vampire women shouldn't be so feminine and beautiful. Yeah. But they are. And it's like fucking me up. It's like, what? He also yells at Edward when he finds out that Bella's pregnant. You did this! And he's like, yeah. Yes. They are married. And they did just get back from their honeymoon. Yes. He did do this. He did do this. Like, you haven't discovered something. Yeah. Like, truly. And Edward has to perform the C-section, like we said, with his teeth. [1:40:30] with him's teeth. He just has to bite through that placenta. We also have to assume that he separates the cord, the umbilical cord with his teeth as well, because when the baby comes out, there's no cord. Yeah, just crunch. And I said, what a different way to go about that. Yeah.

[1:40:43] It's a lot of layers to bite through. Seven, right? Seven, I think. C-sections are no joke. It might even be more because I know... You have seven layers of skin, right? Seven distinct layers of tissue and muscle. But they also have to, like, move organs. Oh, yeah. Maybe he just, like... [1:40:58] shuffles those around i guess the skin the subcutaneous fat fascia abdominal muscles peritoneum the uterus and the amniotic sac have you ever seen somebody like um reenact it on tiktok that shit will fuck you up every time i see it i'm like damn i did that twice twice i know twice bad bitch over here i don't think i could survive that but also she and he's biting through those layers so i'm like that's gonna be jagged as fuck and also and infected according to the [1:41:28] happen it's the placenta's like stone [1:41:32] Like it's, it's like vampire skin. Imagine if he lost a tooth. That would have been the funniest shit. And then it just, and then it just grew back because he healed quickly. Here's the other thing. [1:41:40] So he says, because Jacob, at least in the movie, says like, because they take out the baby and or like the baby's not completely out yet. And she's clearly like dying. Yeah. And he's like, you have to change her. And he says, I can't until that thing is out. [1:41:52] But you're biting into her body. Yeah. Like that doesn't make sense. So your venom is already entering her system. Yeah, you're saying I can't give her my venom until the baby's out, but you're giving her your venom by ripping open her skin with your teeth. Yes. Yes. [1:42:06] uh indeed and nobody caught that like i don't get it nobody caught that yeah um [1:42:12] Another thing that nobody caught.

[1:42:14] Is how Jacob imprints on Renesmee. Oh, I caught that. And... [1:42:22] What's crazy is [1:42:24] Is that he imprints on Renesmee at all? But before we get there. But also, when she was born, he sees her. [1:42:32] And he sees her. For the first time. He literally is like, get that fucking thing out of here. Yeah. Like, I'm not holding it. Bitch. That rank ass infant. That bitch. He says, I don't want to touch that baby that's covered in strawberry cream cheese. Yeah, he said, that's a murderer. Get it out of here. [1:42:47] In the illustrated guide, [1:42:49] Stephanie Meyer states that imprinting, this is a quote, direct quote, imprinting happens the first time a werewolf sees the object of his imprinting. If the werewolf does not react to the human the first time he sees her after he phases, he will never imprint. [1:43:06] I'm not human. [1:43:07] But he does. [1:43:09] Bye. [1:43:10] Amen. [1:43:10] But he does. What? Like he literally saw her. [1:43:15] And then he sees her again. And that's when he imprints. That doesn't make any sense. Yep. And there's no reason for that. No. [1:43:21] Like there's no reason for that at all. We were watching the movie and I said, hold up. [1:43:24] Hold up right now a second. He's seeing her immediately when she's delivered. Yeah. Which honestly would have been even worse if he imprinted on her as she was coming out of her mother's uterus. Yeah, that'd be fucked. That would be fucked. It's still fucked. It's completely fucked. And I love that in this whole thing. [1:43:40] that [1:43:41] First of all, Edward, like... [1:43:44] goes into this moment of just being so enamored with the baby that he literally does not care that bella is fully coding just deading right there deading she's just she's a corpse like she just presumably is a corpse at that moment and then he's like oh shit i have to fix her now too i'm like oh wow no uh that sucks like and what's funny is like in again in the illustrated guide

[1:44:14] explore this whole pregnancy thing is because pregnancy is like not dangerous anymore. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. She said, now it's not dangerous. It used to be so dangerous. It's not dangerous anymore. And I said... [1:44:24] I beg you to read. It still is. I beg you to read. The amount of conditions that you can get, one, not only while pregnant, but two, immediately after delivery. [1:44:33] I needed two blood transfusions after I had the twins. You were like Bella. Bella. [1:44:38] Every organ in my body was shutting down. When I saw Elena post birth, it was like, I think one day later, I literally grabbed a nurse and I said, is she all right? Yeah. Because she was gray. I was literally gray. She was the color of... [1:44:51] she was the gray stuff literally i was beauty and the beast i was literally i had two full blood transfusions right after giving birth birth isn't even dangerous linda reading that i was like i was like girl i know it wasn't like given birth in the middle of the woods back in the day i realized that that things have changed but it's dangerous like we can't pretend that it's not dangerous no so like that's a weird weird thing to say especially when you're having her [1:45:18] die during birth yeah so there's that but it's like i'm doing something new here women don't die during birth anymore and it's like no they do they do they sure do that does happen it's just and then we have rosalie who has to be taken out of the room because she's about to eat bella because she's just all the blood i mean because they haven't hunted in forever because they're all hungry because of bella because of bella needing to fuck as a human exactly this whole thing leads back to that none of them have eaten in days weeks even they're all hungry they're all

[1:45:48] fucking dark black at this point, not Amber. Esme, Carlisle, and Emmett are out hunting when she goes into labor. Yeah. Like, and also trying to avoid being hunted by the wolves at the same time. Which Jacob stops by, like, you know, fucking with him. Yeah. But it's like... [1:46:03] All of this is because Bella just had to have sex as a human. Yeah. Could not wait. But then Rosalie gets that baby. [1:46:11] She doesn't even ask if Bella survived. She's sitting by a fire. She says, Edward, I can take it. Cooing at that baby. [1:46:19] un-fucking-bothered at that cgi baby so there goes that whole girls supporting girls thing she doesn't give a fuck about that she said this is my baby now i hope she does die and also also that's crazy sorry i had to recover from that so that's my baby now i hope she does i hope she does die that baby like when it first comes out is a regular baby like somebody was like here's my three-month-old go ahead and cover it in jam crazy wild and it's a beautiful baby yeah then they make [1:46:49] But you didn't have to do that because babies are already beautiful. But no, we needed this baby. Yeah. [1:46:55] To be the baby that Jacob falls in love with. But they make it really scary. Yeah. I don't like it. And it's going to get so much scarier. Rinesme's a freak. Rinesme's a freak. [1:47:04] Renesmee in part two is going to be the thing that your sleep paralysis demon has nothing on Renesmee in part two. Your sleep paralysis demon is a top model compared to Renesmee. Because when we see Jacob imprint on Renesmee, and he just has visions of this beautiful...

[1:47:23] adult renaissance but here's the thing it's beautiful adult renaissance it's weird and her wig is weird too it is why can't they just find a pretty girl with long hair wigs why can't they just find a pretty girl with long hair get a good wig there's good wigs yeah i've seen you might not even need it you found victoria yeah the first one she had gorgeous hair [1:47:43] But then he just falls to his knees. [1:47:45] And will do anything to be with that baby in seven years. Meanwhile, that baby just shit its pants. Meanwhile, that baby just breathed its first breath. Like, it's literally... [1:47:56] being fed by Rosalie because it can't feed itself. [1:48:00] And you fell to your knees thinking about it as a beautiful adult woman that you can't wait to be with. Also, you also has no choice in the matter. Yep. And you hate vampires. [1:48:10] That's half them. Like that baby's drinking blood. Yeah. Not breast milk. [1:48:15] Yeah. [1:48:16] It's weird as fuck. It's the weirdest movie. Like, this has got to be the... Stephanie Meyer's mind is a dark place. We've got to study it, man. It's crazy. It's fucked up. I've got to be like, girl, tell me what's going on in there. Then we get to the end, by the way. Make sure you watch past the credits if you didn't know the first time. So past the credits. We get... [1:48:38] probably my favorite part of the Twilight series. I love Arrow. He is funny. Love him. I love Marcus. He's wonderful. Marcus is just so tortured. I love him. And we have, is it Bianca? [1:48:50] Yes. Bianca, the secretary, comes in and she hands a note to Arrow. And it's a note that because she's a secretary, she wrote down...

[1:48:58] And Carlisle had contacted them and said that they have a new addition to the family. So he reads the note. And when he says it, he's like, Carlisle, Carlisle has contacted us. And he looks up and he says, with an S, Bianca. She spelled Carlisle wrong. He's like, you can't spell. He's like, wow, dummy. And that they added somebody new. [1:49:17] He immediately has two vampires kill Bianca because he says for the spelling and the grammar. He said the grammar too was bad. Maybe he would have just let it go. He says first the spelling, then the grammar. Take her out. And I was like, Arrow is everything to me. He is. He's everything to me. He's big mad. He's big mad. Because they have something he wants. Because Marcus says... [1:49:36] Oh, that is so beautiful. We're no longer... [1:49:42] I'm so fighting with the comments. I'm happy. I'll play my family. And Aera says... [1:49:49] bitch yeah we are he says they have something i want [1:49:53] And then, hold on, he says, they have something I want, and then we cut to the real credits, which is, Bruno fucking Mars, it will rain. How do you end your vampire movie with, if you ever leave me, baby? What? What? [1:50:10] i literally can't what i literally there'll be no sunlight of course there won't you're a vampire exactly that's the that's the most diabolical credit song to roll after breaking dawn and you know what just like to end this like on the website um she has her playlists that she put together and i'm not faulting anyone for a playlist i love a playlist i have playlists for my books this playlist is like it goes everywhere yeah and like maybe you can shit on my playlist

[1:50:40] I wouldn't shit on your playlist. I think this one just confuses me because one of the things on the playlist from Bella's thing is the beach boys. Wouldn't it be nice? [1:50:48] I just gotta know where that fits. Like, I just gotta know where that fits. Because also, wouldn't it be nice if we were older than we would've been? It's like the lyrics, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. [1:50:59] But then she also has, like, Linkin Park. From Bella's point of view. Yeah. Which I just don't see. Reliant K, I see. Reliant K, I do see. I do see. I used to love Reliant K before I knew. We do have Dark Blue by Jax Mannequin, which I said... Shout out to Andrew McMahon. And also... Friend of the pod. Dear Andrew. How do you feel about this? Do you know that you're on this planet? Hey, Andrew, did you know that you're linked to Stephanie Meyer forever? And also, I would like to know... [1:51:23] Where does that go? [1:51:24] Have you ever been alone in a crowded room, Elena? Can you just point to me where that one goes? I just I'm having trouble. [1:51:32] And again, I'm not in the I this is not my world. So I'm not going to say that, like, maybe you have a place. She has a place where that fits. Maybe. [1:51:41] And that I'll go, you're right. That makes sense because this is not my world. Maybe it's when he looks at Renesmee for the first time. There you go. [1:51:49] Like, it's them. Dark blue, dark blue. Like, I love that song. Yeah. In fact, every time I go to a concert... [1:51:55] of jack's mannequin i called john during dark blue if he's not in the room it's really cute yeah i love that uh it played at my wedding but uh yeah i just didn't know where that one fit i also didn't know where paper cut by lincoln park fit great song um it's great song great album we've got evanescence of course we've got fix you by coldplay which i feel like does fit

[1:52:17] Oh my god. I used to listen to that song anytime that I did a breakup or got broken up with. Oh yeah. That song will wreck you. Absolutely. You try your best, but you don't succeed. That's for Marcus. That is Marcus. When you get what you want, but not what you need. He's constantly playing that in his head. He's so sad. We have, let's see, we have U2, Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of. That's only because they put that on everybody's phone. [1:52:47] to be in every playlist i'm like damn it's on my playlist too uh we have we also have the reason by hoobastank and ash said not hoobastank i said how do you put a hoobastank first of all how do you name your band hoobastank let's get back to the origin story is it hoobastank what [1:53:04] Isn't who was saying, I think they, do you know what it is? [1:53:08] Do I know what Hoobastank means? Yeah. No. I'm pretty sure, because I remember when they first came out, people were like, what the fuck does Hoobastank mean? I think he said it's the smell of... [1:53:18] of a hooba i think it's the smell of like a bong [1:53:25] Oh, I'm pretty sure. [1:53:28] The lead singer, Doug Robb, once claimed it was a mispronounced German slang for somebody who had a shoe fetish or has a lot of sneakers. What a vast difference. What a vast difference. Hoobastank. I feel like I saw an interview where they said that at one point, but maybe I was... It seems like they say a lot of things about it, so that's fair. Either way, when you said not Hoobastank, I was like, what? I don't know. Because that really is a wild man name. So random. It's pretty great. Oh, man.

[1:53:58] two part two because i don't remember it like i think i said this when we finished eclipse i really didn't remember and then i was watching this and i said wow i really didn't retain most of this i also didn't which is probably my brain saving me because i don't think i don't think part one is um [1:54:14] Good. Is widely received as the best of them, I think. If you love it, awesome. I think I thought that I liked Breaking Dawn better than I liked Eclipse, but I would actually prefer Eclipse over at least part one. Yeah, I don't know. I'm... [1:54:30] These movies are nuts, man. Last two are not great for me. No. Last two that we covered. Yeah, like Eclipse and... [1:54:37] I think part... The last part, like part five, is... [1:54:40] supposed to be kind of fun because i think that the fighting scene is fun and i think it's fun meeting the other covens yeah [1:54:47] And, like, we get more Arrow. Yeah. So, like, that's all I can ask for. And Jane. We get more Jane. I love Jane. Jane. Jane is fun. Yeah. So. All right. And I think we get Arrow's really good laugh in the next one. God, I can't wait for that. I think it's really good. You're going to have to do an impression once you hear it. I'll get it. All right. So that'll be one of our next bonus episodes, brothers. Yeah. I love doing these so much. My God. What are we going to do once we're done with Twilight? I know, guys. You got to give us a... [1:55:12] Suggest suggestions of like a series or something that you want us to cover like this. Like a ridiculous series. Like, how do we bonus episode after this? I know. How could we? Tell us what you want. [1:55:21] tell us and we'll give you what you want we will because we love you we do so with that being said we hope you keep listening and we hope you keep

[1:55:29] it weird but not as weird as jacob definitely not or edward ripping his baby mama's fucking skin apart true or rosalie just waiting in the background until she can steal the baby or alice packing your sister-in-law lingerie after she marries your brother or the wig department or the wig department and if i missed anyone let me know yeah or as fucking renee getting blitzed [1:55:59] yeah um yeah don't keep it that word bye babes bye [1:56:29] Thank you.

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